What to do

My mind is a bit muddled about this weight loss program now. I've been considering Weight Watchers again.

Let me explain why I chose the one I did. Years ago I started doing the First Place program. It contains 9 commitments that you are supposed to make. I could not do one of the them because I did not have a group to do it in, and that commitment was to attend the meetings. Another one was to encourage others (presumably others in the group). I could encourage other people, although it was not exactly like the program intended. So, two out of the nine were impossible/difficult for me to do.

The other commitments were difficult to follow. Think about this. If you struggle with weight, then chances are that means you lack self-control, self-discipline, and the self-respect needed to feed your body in a healthy way. You also lack all of these things needed to exercise and use your body the way God intended. So, agreeing to a list of commitments is really kind of foolish. It is kind like setting yourself up for failure.

But, I foolishly made the commitments anyway. I did it because I wanted to change, I want to be healthy and look good. I thought that once I got started the changes would begin to come. I thought the Scripture and the prayer would make it more meaningful and easier, somehow. It didn't. It made it harder. It made the guilt more intense. It made my failure more significant.

I also think that the Bible Study, motivational Cd's, and Scripture memory Cd's (applied to the topic of weight loss) make the focus on weight loss, instead of Christ like it is supposed to. When I tried everything that they want, all day long, everyday, my thoughts were consumed with what to eat, what not to eat, have I exercised, how have I exercised, did I do the Bible study, did I read the chunk of Scripture, did I pray enough, is eating this piece of chocolate a sin, did I have enough servings of veggies, is my lack of fruit a sin, how do I count the sugar in my tea, should I ask for forgiveness because I only did five minutes on the exercise bike instead of ten...

So then I had this list of commitments I had broken, in addition to the weight and poor body condition. I think that God expects us to keep our commitments, especially if they are made to Him. I had failed to do that. So what if I did not know that it would be that hard? Does that make a difference? I'm not sure it does.

That is the reason I chose to try the First Place program again, instead of trying Weight Watcher, like I had wanted. I was (am?) trying to fulfill the commitments I had made before. I am failing to meet those commitments again. Now, in light of learning the program's view on mental illness, I'm not feeling all that cozy with this.

I'm thinking of sending an e-mail to the people who work for this program and asking some questions. I want to get their perspective. But I'm afraid of what they might say. I'm also afraid of feeling spiritually bullied into doing the program.

I'm wondering if the broken commitments are something that I should continue to try fulfilling again and again until I am able to do it, or if I should just admit my weakness, ask for forgiveness and move on. I could just do some of the commitments (the dieting and exercise portion is good), hoping that someday I will be stronger and be able to fulfill it all. I could attempt a less demanding weight loss and fitness program.

Isn't funny how something that seems so simple can become so complicated?